Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
