in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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