no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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