I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
