I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
