Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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