My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
