I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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