Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
birth control should be required to get into college
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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