Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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