wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize