She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
