Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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