WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
