Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
