Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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