So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
