Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
