My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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