M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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