Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize