FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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