What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
