i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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