i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
