You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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