On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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