every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
