JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
