I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
