Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
