Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
