After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
