So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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