Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
