dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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