is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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