I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
