I haven't been this sober since birth.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
