he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
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Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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