Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
