so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
