True but thats because hes a fetus.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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