I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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