worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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