I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
