I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
