Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
