Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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