her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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