Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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