sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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