I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
