what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
