Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
