I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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