my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
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Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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